How I'd Destroy My Dating Anxiety If I Could Go Back

If I could go back in time and sit down with my younger self—the girl who was drowning in dating anxiety, desperately seeking love to fill the void—I'd tell her things I wish I'd known then. I'd share the exact strategies that would have saved me years of heartache, confusion, and repeating the same painful patterns. But here's the thing: I can't go back. What I can do, though, is share it all with you. So here's how I'd destroy my dating anxiety, my step-by-step approach as a specialist self love coach.

TRIGGER WARNING: The following content may be distressing and includes mention of assault and trauma.

Where It All Started - The Source of My Dating Anxiety

Growing up, I would swirl around in my Princess dresses, dreaming of that “happily ever after.” I was always so full of love, joy and hope. The thing is, real-life hit hard for me, when - at the age of just 15 - I was brutally assaulted by the person who I thought was my first true love.

It was a huge trauma that forced me to hit rock bottom, questioning everyone and everything; triggering complex-PTSD as a result.

After that, I became fixated on love being “the fix”. I thought that if I could just be loved, fully and truly this time, I would finally be and feel worthy.

It became a desperate need, an obsession, and it led me to toxic relationships and destructive habits, that further damaged my sense of self-worth. I experienced infidelity, incessant deceit, and at times, even tolerated violence; all of which only built on my past trauma & negative beliefs about myself.

As a result, it also led to an incredibly anxious attachment and inevitable dating (and relationship) anxiety.

How I'd Destroy My Dating Anxiety If I Could Go Back

So hey, I want you to know - I've been where you are and I'm all-too familiar with it. But I've also come out the other side, and am packed full of knowledge and experience.

And so, here's how I'd destroy my dating anxiety if I could go back in time, knowing what I know now, and what I work other women through, all over the world. To get stuck straight in...

Step 1: Rewrite the Story I Was Telling Myself

The first thing I'd do is challenge the narrative running on repeat in my head: "I'm not enough. I need someone to love me to prove my worth. If this doesn't work out, it means I'm unlovable."

These stories felt like absolute truths back then, but they were just thoughts—distorted by trauma and reinforced by painful experiences. In CBT, we call these cognitive distortions: catastrophising, mind-reading, personalisation. They're sneaky little lies that feel real because we've practised believing them for so long.

The hardest part was: at the time, I had NO IDEA this was the story running in my head. I genuinely thought I was just being proactive about finding love, putting myself out there, doing the work.

These deeply ingrained narratives—like "I'm not enough" or "I need someone to love me to prove my worth"—operate unconsciously. They become the background noise, so familiar we don't even hear them anymore because they've become our 'normal.' We don't realize that our dating anxiety or relationship patterns are often just symptoms of these hidden beliefs.

So if I could go back, I'd write down every anxious thought before a date and question it: Is this actually true? What evidence do I have? What would I tell my best friend if she thought this about herself?

This simple practise—cognitive restructuring—would have helped me recognise that my dating anxiety wasn't about the dates themselves. It was about the stories I was telling myself about what those dates meant about me.

I know this works because it's what I do with my coaching clients today. We identify the core beliefs driving their anxiety, and we systematically dismantle them, replacing them with truths rooted in self-compassion and evidence.

How to Identify Your Hidden Stories (Fuelling Your Own Dating Anxiety)

It can be challenging to uncover these unconscious stories, especially if you haven't recognised the other signs of dating anxiety already, but your body and mind does often give clues.

• Notice your physical reactions: Does your heart race, your stomach knot, or do you overthink for days after a date? These aren't just nerves; they're often signals from deeper anxieties.

• Pay attention to repetitive thoughts: Catch yourself when thoughts start with "What if..." (e.g., "What if they don't like me?"), or "I should have..." (e.g., "I should have said X instead of Y"). These are often loops reinforcing a negative story.

• Journal prompt: Try writing down, "What am I afraid this situation means about me?" Your honest answer can reveal a core belief.

• Distinguish excitement from anxiety: Healthy excitement feels open and hopeful, while anxiety often feels constricting, fearful, and accompanied by a need to control the outcome.

Struggling to do this? Then download our FREE 30 Day Guided Relationship Anxiety Ebook, as I've specifically incorporated exercises like these within there. It's available instantly from anywhere in the world, and makes this whole process far easier and more manageable. 🖤 DO NOT LEAVE OUR WEBSITE WITHOUT CHECKING IT OUT, MY FRIENDS! 🖤 This is one of the biggest tools I wish I had back when I was single and right now - it's still available 100% for free!

Step 2: Understand My Nervous System & Learn to Regulate It

Here's something else I wish someone had explained to me earlier: dating anxiety isn't just in your head—it's in your body. When you've experienced trauma, your nervous system becomes hypervigilant. It's constantly scanning for danger, even when you're safe. So when I'd go on a date, my body would react as if I were under threat—racing heart, shallow breathing, that overwhelming urge to flee.

Back then, I thought something was wrong with me. Now I understand that my nervous system was doing exactly what it was designed to do: protect me. The problem was, it couldn't tell the difference between a first date and actual danger, and I had pretty unhealthy coping mechanisms (to say the least!)

Uh huh, the manifestation of this dysregulation was stark:

I'd drink alcohol before any and every date—a bad habit adopted in my last toxic relationship—just to calm my nervous system enough to show up. And when I started catching feelings for someone, I'd become so anxiously attached, desperately clinging on to them.

I'd convince myself I needed it to work out, which created an unbearable amount of pressure. This constant anxiety meant I absolutely couldn't show up as my best, true self; I was too busy trying to control the outcome and manage my internal panic. It also meant I couldn't see or think clearly to even accurately assess if they were right for me, or treating me right.

And so, if I could go back, I'd teach myself nervous system regulation techniques before every date. I'd learn to recognise when I was dysregulated and give myself the tools to return to a state of calm. This isn't about suppressing anxiety—it's about acknowledging it, understanding it, and gently guiding yourself back to safety.

This might look like: Breathing Intentionally: Using box breathing: inhale for 4, hold for 4, exhale for 4, hold for 4. Grounding Yourself: Using the 5-4-3-2-1 technique to bring yourself back to the present. Self-Soothing: Placing your hand on your heart and speak kindly to yourself.

Think This Doesn't Apply To You? Then Have a Read Of This

And hey, I know this might sound extreme, but here's the thing—it probably doesn't look that different from what you're experiencing, just in different forms, and from different relationship anxiety sources.

I mean, how many of these sound familiar?

• Accepting breadcrumbs of attention and convincing yourself it's enough

• Staying in situationships that clearly aren't going anywhere because "at least it's something"

• Ignoring red flags early on because you're so relieved someone is interested

• Over-explaining yourself or apologizing excessively on dates

• Checking your phone obsessively waiting for their text

• Canceling plans with friends when they finally reach out

• Changing your opinions or interests to match theirs

• Tolerating disrespectful behavior because you're afraid of being alone

These aren't character flaws—they're signs that your self-love is lower than you think and your anxiety is more influential than you even know. Your nervous system is running the show, and you're accepting less than you deserve because deep down, you don't believe you deserve more.

Step 3: Shift From Seeking Validation to Offering It to Myself

The next key step I'd take when it comes to how I'd destroy my dating anxiety, would be all around mindset shifts - but not through fluffy affirmations that I don't even really believe, through deep-rooted, lasting shifts.

To briefly introduce you to a concept if you're not already familiar with it -

• We all have six core human needs: certainty, variety, significance, love/connection, growth, and contribution.

• When I was dating from a place of anxiety, I was trying to meet all of these needs—especially significance and love—through someone else.

• The problem? When you outsource your needs to another person, you give them all the power. You become dependent on their approval, their attention, their validation. And when it inevitably wavers (because humans are imperfect), your entire sense of self crumbles.

• If I could go back, I'd focus on meeting my own needs first. I'd validate myself. I'd remind myself daily: "I am enough, exactly as I am. I am worthy of love, not because of what I do or who loves me, but simply because I exist." I'd look in the mirror and genuinely mean it.

Now I know what you're thinking, but how do you actually do that? How do you rewire years of conditioning to seek approval outside yourself?

Let's Break This Down

Well, I'd begin with consciously redirecting my focus and energy inward, recognizing that I am the primary source of your fulfillment. Instead of passively waiting for someone else to provide, I'd proactively cultivate these essential needs within my own life.

Here, let me give you a few practical examples, that you could apply yourself:

• Certainty: Create your own stability through daily routines, self-care rituals, and keeping promises to yourself. Instead of needing certainty that "they'll text back," find certainty in your own consistency.

• Variety: Pursue your own interests, try new experiences solo, keep your life exciting independent of a relationship. Don't wait for someone else to make life interesting.

• Significance: Recognize your own value through your accomplishments, growth, and contributions. Celebrate yourself. You don't need someone else to make you feel important.

• Love/Connection: Build deep friendships, connect with family, practice self-compassion. Love yourself first. Connection doesn't have to be romantic to be meaningful.

• Growth: Invest in personal development, learn new skills, challenge yourself. Become the person you want to be, not for someone else, but for YOU.

• Contribution: Give back, help others, share your gifts with the world. Your value isn't determined by romantic love—it's demonstrated through how you show up in the world.

When you're actively meeting these needs yourself, dating shifts from desperate to discerning. You're not looking for someone to complete you—you're looking for someone to complement an already fulfilling life.

Pulling It Altogether - My Dating Anxiety Internal Validation Action Plan

So for this step, I'd create a specific action plan on how to meet my own needs, literally scheduling daily, weekly and monthly activities (varying how big or small they are), and tracking the way they made me feel.

I'd also set boundaries and limits that would protect me, and have pattern interrupts installed for when I would - inevitably - slip up.

How Pattern Interrupts Work:

When you catch yourself slipping into old patterns of self-doubt or external validation-seeking, you need to physically interrupt that pattern. This is about breaking the neurological loop.

It could be as simple as snapping a rubber band on your wrist, changing your posture dramatically, or even yelling "STOP!" internally.

If I felt anxiety when I was spending time with someone I really like, I'd subtly adjust my posture, take a deep breath, and mentally shift my focus to my own internal validation. This would break the pattern and redirect my energy.

(The hardest part is training yourself to do this in the moments you need - but the more effectively you embed it, the easier it becomes. Don't worry, I can help with this, if you need.)

Step 4: Reframe Rejection & Detach From Outcomes

Dating anxiety thrives when we're attached to specific outcomes. Every date becomes high-stakes because we're convinced it has to work out, otherwise we've failed. But here's what I'd tell my younger self: Dating is simply a process of discovery—you're gathering information about compatibility, nothing more.

In strategic intervention coaching, we work on detaching from outcomes and focusing on the process. Instead of going into a date thinking, "I need them to like me," you shift to, "I'm curious to see if we're a good fit." This one reframe would have saved me so much anxiety.

Rejection stops being personal when you understand that compatibility is complex and multifaceted. Someone not choosing you doesn't mean you're not worthy or you didn't do "enough" to make them want you—it means you weren't the right match for them, and that's valuable information. It's redirecting you towards someone who will be a better fit.

Old Mindset

• If they don't like me, it's because others are "better" than me

• If I like someone, I need it to lead to a relationship

• Rejection from someone I like, means I'm not good enough

• I need to be perfect to be chosen

• I have to win the person I like over - I have to prove my worth

New Mindset

• If they don't like me, we're simply not the right match - and that's okay

• Liking someone doesn't mean we're meant to be together - compatibility is mutual

• Rejection from someone I like means we weren't aligned - it says nothing about my worth

• I'm already enough exactly as I am, I don't need to be anything more (or less) than I already am

• I don't need to prove anything - the right person will choose me as I choose them

The Reframing Process:

To make the reframing actually possible, I'd follow a process like this:

1. Identify the Disempowering Meaning: When rejection happens, catch the story you're telling yourself. "They rejected me because I'm not good enough" or "They chose someone better than me."

2. Challenge the Meaning: Ask yourself Tony's powerful questions: "What else could this mean?" "How is this actually protecting me or serving me?" "What if this is happening FOR me, not TO me?"

3. Create Multiple Alternative Meanings: Generate at least 3-5 different interpretations of the same event:

   • Maybe they're dealing with their own issues that have nothing to do with me

   • Maybe we weren't compatible and this saved us both time

   • Maybe this is redirecting me toward someone even better suited for me

   • Maybe they sensed I wasn't fully myself and that's valuable feedback

   • Maybe the timing just wasn't right for either of us

4. Choose the Most Empowering Meaning: Select the interpretation that serves your growth and wellbeing. This isn't about lying to yourself—it's about choosing the most useful perspective.

5. Anchor the New Meaning: Use physiology to lock it in. Stand tall, take a deep breath, and say the new meaning out loud with conviction. "This is redirecting me to something better. I'm grateful for the clarity."

So when someone seems to be pulling back when you're leaning in more, instead of spiraling into 'I'm not good enough,' you'd pause and ask, 'What else could this mean?' Maybe they're emotionally unavailable. Maybe they sensed we wanted different things. Maybe they're going through something personal. None of these reflect your worth—they're just information.

Events are neutral—we assign meaning to them. And if we're assigning meaning anyway, why not choose meanings that empower us rather than diminish us?

If you're finding any of this valuable, and would like to learn more about how we can do this together, be sure to schedule a FREE Discovery Call. There's no cost, no risk, and I'm super friendly, I promise! 🖤

Step 5: Build Genuine Self-Love as My Foundation

Ultimately, all of this circles back to a deeper truth about why dating anxiety feels so suffocating. When you experience trauma, especially at a young age, it fundamentally disrupts your sense of self-worth and safety.

For me, the assault at 15 taught my nervous system that I wasn't safe, and more deeply, that I wasn't valuable enough to be protected. This created a core wound that whispered, "If I had been more worthy, more lovable, more enough, this wouldn't have happened to me."

Dating anxiety is actually the manifestation of that core self-love wound.

Every date becomes a subconscious test of whether you're "enough" because, deep down, you don't truly believe you are. The fear of rejection in dating becomes so intense because it threatens to confirm what you already secretly believe about yourself.

This is why all the steps we've discussed—from processing past pain to shifting identity—ultimately circle back to self-love.

Until you heal that core wound and genuinely believe you're worthy, regardless of external validation, dating will always feel like a threat rather than an opportunity for joyful connection.

Why Self Love Would Be At The Core of Destroying My Dating Anxiety

Everything I've mentioned so far builds towards this: genuine, unshakeable self-love. Not the surface-level, Instagram-quote kind of self-love, but the deep, embodied knowing that you are inherently worthy.

If I could go back, I wouldn't just work on my dating anxiety in isolation. I'd build a holistic practise of self-love that touched every area of my life. I'd journal about my strengths. I'd celebrate my wins, no matter how small. I'd treat myself with the same compassion I'd offer my best friend. I'd set boundaries without guilt. I'd prioritise my needs without apology.

Here's the truth: you can't truly let someone love you if you don't believe you're worthy of that love. And you can't show up authentically in dating if you're constantly performing, trying to earn approval.

Building self-love isn't a quick fix—it's a lifelong practise. But it's the foundation everything else is built upon. When you genuinely love yourself, dating anxiety loses its power. Because even if a date doesn't work out, even if someone rejects you, you still have you—and that's more than enough.

How To Build Lasting Self-Love Using Strategic Intervention

So that's how I'd destroy my dating anxiety if I could go back to when I was single. Do I regret how I was back then? No way. As it led me to what I do now, doing work that I can genuinely feel proud about.

To finish off, here's a simple step by step approach you can apply to lead with self love in order to destroy your dating anxiety now. (I've kept it short and sweet so it's easier to digest.)

• Self Love Step 1: Identify Your Current Self-Love Blueprint

  • Ask yourself: "On a scale of 1-10, how much do I genuinely love and value myself right now?"

  • Journal on: "What would need to happen for me to feel completely worthy of love?"

  • Notice if your worthiness is conditional (based on achievements, appearance, or someone choosing you) or unconditional.

• Self Love Step 2: Interrupt the Pattern of Self-Abandonment

  • Catch yourself in moments when you're about to abandon your needs for someone else's approval.

  • Use a physical pattern interrupt: snap your fingers, change your posture, or use a specific gesture.

  • Ask: "What would someone who deeply loves themselves do right now?"

• Self Love Step 3: Create New Empowering Rituals

  • Morning priming practice (10 minutes): Gratitude for yourself, visualization of showing up confidently in dating, power poses with affirmations.

  • Daily self-love incantations (not passive affirmations): Stand tall, speak with emotion and conviction: "I am worthy of extraordinary love exactly as I am. I choose myself first, always."

  • Evening reflection: "How did I honor myself today? Where did I choose my worth over approval?"

• Self Love Step 4: Associate Massive Pain with Self-Abandonment

  • Use the Dickens Process: Visualize your future if you continue seeking validation externally—5 years, 10 years, 20 years of anxiety, performing, never feeling enough.

  • Feel the pain of that future deeply. Let it become unbearable.

  • Then visualize the opposite: a future where you've built unshakeable self-love—the peace, the authentic connections, the freedom.

• Self Love Step 5: Anchor Your New Identity

  • Create a physical anchor: a specific gesture (fist pump, hand on heart) paired with your peak state of self-love.

  • Practice this daily: Get into a powerful state (through movement, music, visualization), then trigger your anchor.

  • Use this anchor before dates, after rejection, anytime you need to reconnect with your worth.

• Self Love Step 6: Meet Your Own Needs First (The Six Human Needs)

  • Before every date, check in: "Have I met my own needs for certainty, variety, significance, connection, growth, and contribution today?"

  • Make self-love your daily practice, not something you seek from dating.

  • Date from overflow, not from emptiness.

Strategic intervention isn't about positive thinking—it's about rewiring your nervous system and identity at a deep level. When self-love becomes your default state rather than something you're chasing, dating transforms from anxiety-inducing to genuinely enjoyable.

That's All For This One - But Don't Let It End Here

Everything I've shared isn't theoretical—it's the exact framework I use with my coaching clients today, and it works. I've seen women transform their relationship with dating, moving from paralysing anxiety to genuine confidence. I've watched them stop settling for less than they deserve and start attracting partners who truly see and value them.

I can't go back in time and give this guidance to my younger self. But I can offer it to you.

Whether you work with me through my Signature 30 Day Relationship Anxiety Challenge, follow your very-own affordable custom coaching plan, dive deep with 1:1 specialist coaching, or even simply tap into the tools I guide you through within my FREE Relationship Anxiety Ebook - my mission is the same: to help you develop true, lasting self-love.

Just remember:

You don't need to have it all figured out
Nobody does. What matters is that you're willing to start.

Your past doesn't define your future
No matter what you've been through, you can rewrite your story.

You are worthy of love—starting with your own
Not because of what you achieve, but simply because you exist.

If you're struggling with dating anxiety, relationship patterns, or simply feeling not enough, please know: you're not broken. You're not too much or too difficult. You're a human being who's been hurt, and you're doing your best to protect yourself. And with the right tools, support, and commitment to yourself, you can absolutely transform your experience.

I'm living proof of that. And I'm here to walk alongside you on your journey.

With love,
Ell
Founder, Your Self Love Story